I have read beautiful love stories and I intend to have my own great American love story, one that will rival even the works of Nicholas Sparks. I want to have a marriage that inspires people to love God more. I want to be the kind of husband who thinks of inventive ways to show his wife that he loves her with all his heart. I also want to be a father who never misses an opportunity to tell my kids that I love them to the moon and back. Those are huge dreams of mine, but I also have a fear of getting married.

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I have seen my mom mistreated by many “men”. I remember being a child and seeing tears trickle down my mom’s face and realize that her pain was caused by these “men”. I remember hating these cowards. I wanted them to have nothing to do with my mom or any women, for that matter. These men could not defeat my mom, who is the definition of a fighter, but she was not left unscathed.

I learned that bruises fade away, but scars stay. Pain has a way of changing us and this is what happened to my mom. She isn’t the same mom I grew up with. Each of these cowards took a little piece of her. This is what happens with pain: we are forever changed by it. Overall, she is a better women. She has used her past to help others. She is an incredible women.

Fast forward to me and my fear of getting married.

I’ve enjoyed dating, but, at the present moment, I keep pushing off dating and I have no intention to be married anytime soon. Some of my reasons for not wanting to date are actually noble. For example, I want more time to become the man my future wife deserves and I want to finish school before meeting my future wife. These are good reasons, but not all my reasons are this good. One of my reasons is based on fear.

I’m afraid of the potential pain that comes with being in a romantic relationship. The interesting thing is that I’m not afraid of getting hurt, at least not anymore. Now, I have a different and more terrifying fear.

I’m scared that I might cause my future wife pain, similar pain that my mom has endured by alleged “men”.

I’ve seen what a guy could do to a women, the later pain, and scars that are caused by it. Simply put, I don’t trust myself.

I have encouraging signs that I’m headed in the right direction of not being a jerk though. Girls have told me that I treat them right, and friends, who are girls, tell me that I will be a great husband. My mom, for what it’s worth, has told me that I will be a great husband. I don’t write all that because I want you all to believe it or to make me sound good. They are just words. I have been humbled when I heard them, but they still remain mere words. I don’t believe them.

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I am still fearful of hurting a girl like the cowards in my mom’s past.

I don’t know what to do, but I just assume that I will have to overcome it. I will have to meet my future wife, tell her that I have this fear, and allow God’s grace to fall upon our relationship. I look forward to that day, but I am, by no means, antsy for it to happen. I’m ok with more time passing. I have things I want to do and, most of all, maturing to do.

There is some girl out there, who I’m going to marry, and I just want to become everything she deserves.

I never want to hurt her in any way.

That might sound like a low goal, but my family history is full of cowardly men.

I don’t want that for my future wife.

Jordan Kranda
Follower of Jesus. Husband to Ariel. Master’s of Theology (Greek Track) Graduate. Future Pastor. Present lover of cheese, Blink-182, & watching sports.

20 COMMENTS

  1. I really found your article pretty interesting because not all guys write exactly how they feel and how they want to better themselves especially for a woman even one that they love, It’s okay to fear certain things remember we are human beings it’s completely normal and okay so don’t be too hard on yourself for that… eventually it will come to pass and by what I read I also believe you will be a great husband and your future wife will be a very lucky woman. I hope that one day I can also find and marry a guy who wants to better himself for the ones he loves because he truly wants to.

  2. Your fear is grace. You know the evil you could do and don’t want to walk that road. That’s a very good thing. It can also be a hindrance because it can prevent you from marrying unless you’re “good enough.” Who is? I get that. I suffer from the same disease.

    Last night I was watching a Belgium television production and was totally turned off by the husband’s treatment of his wife as a sexual object. I’m still telling myself: “They’re married. It was appropriate. It wasn’t graphic.” But it horrifies me. Of course, if you read the excerpts from my book on my blog, my horror isn’t surprising. I was molested for 11 years when I was a child, neglected and physically abused for longer. When I am honest with myself, I don’t know how I could ever trust any man enough to marry him.

    I do have memory of my father and mother before they were killed. They loved each other. They respected each other. They worked together. But that is so far away and a part me looks at the madness of this world and says, “Their relationship was rare and unique and I don’t know how to be that way.”

    But God has brought some trustworthy men into my life. They’re not men I would date. They’re father figures. I had my first father-daughter talk about 3 years ago. I had just moved to Houston and can’t drive. He encouraged me to accept the help I need. I was nearly forty. The man who spoke to me calls his wife, “Mi amor.” He respects her. My spiritual director is married. He and his wife love each other, pull together as a team, support each other. I’m not yet at the point where I believe that I will have such a relationship but I do see such relationships are possible.

    Has God placed father figures in your life? Has He given you friendships with men who can show you different possibilities? I’ve found Christian community very helpful as I heal. Perhaps you have similar opportunities.

    Of course I don’t know. Perhaps you need something else. I do know that, with Christ, healing is more than possible. Though it’s painful and difficult, it’s the default setting. So I’ll pray for your healing (as well as healing for other commenters who have revealed similar wounds) and ask you to pray for me. God bless you. And thanks for the Twitter follow.

  3. I actually have the same fear in being a wife. I have a reoccurring dream that I refuse to be intimate with my husband (sharing my feelings, my body, etc.) because I’m so afraid of being hurt by him. That fear comes from being hurt by a lot of people in my life. I’ve been abandoned several times by several people and even now, I get lonely and would like to be a Godly wife but I’m afraid at the same time. I would like for a man to show me they’re not all the same and I can trust him. I love what you said about pain because it’s true. When you’re hurt deeply, it changes you forever and the only thing you can do is make the best of what you have left. God has been separating me from a lot of people and that separation is just preparing me for His best. I’m enjoying your blog so far. Thanks for bearing your soul!

  4. You have a way with words. We all have certain fears that we feel will ruin something important to us! You seem (from the words you write) like a genuine person on a walk with God! I know its hard, I struggle with it every day, but put all your fears and worries in Gods hands. He will when the time is right put a women in your life thay will love you so much, that she will be able to put up with the pain you may cause her. Just remember that no women is perfect and she will probably cause you pain as well. (Which may also be a fear of her own) This will be something that God has prepared both of you for without even realizing!
    In ending, I would just like to say that I love reading your blog! I am a girl just trying to walk faithfully with God and I find your blog helpful. Thank you! Also keep up the awesome work!

  5. I have been following your blog for some time now and I have to say your posts are refreshing and they are filled with extremely Christ-like view points.

    However, there’s just some little things that doesn’t sit too well with me. For some reason, I see many female viewers on your blog as compared to men (purely based on the comments section) and I wonder, whether your motives of blogging is to garner more female support for yourself or really, for men to think about and apply points to their own lives as well.

    Friend, I sincerely pray that your intentions are to build men up and the reason for all the vulnerability shown in your blog is to show men that they can be strong during times of weakness, so long as they are connected to God and with Him.. And not to draw female attention to show how amazing a guy you are.

    Remember, as Christians, we are together in a community. All working and living for Christ. I trust that you are building godly men, as well as yourself, and your worries for marriage or dating for that matter should not overcome your faith in Him. Continue to trust that His love for you is the greatest love you can ever get.

    God Bless, Jordan.

    • This specific blog was one of the hardest & most vulnerable blogs I’ve ever written. This was not for men, not for women, but instead it was for me. I had to write to help myself think. Your comment was misdirected, out of place, and, quite frankly, offensive. I can’t believe you would respond like that after reading a blog about something so touchy as my fear of getting married. Wow.

  6. Stumbled upon your blog through twitter and I must say that it’s so refreshing to see that there are young men out there with good Christian morals. It’s becoming too common these days for young men and women to settle for anything less than what they truly deserve.

    Thank you for this wonderful blog and giving your heart to Christ before sharing it with your future wife. Wherever she is, she is blessed. 🙂

    Good luck with your writing and your faith journey!!

    God Bless!!! 🙂

  7. i understand your fear, this last year my parent got divorced after 25 years of marriage. and for most of them my dad had been cheating, i have a half-brother i never meant, 12 years of my life are a lie. the way my dad acted towards my mom in the divorce was horrible. it made me really think would a guy leave me like my dad did my mom? would i have one marriage etc, but in the end you have to trust god and follow his cue. i just started to put myself back into the dating world after a breakup. but im ready now and i think when the time is right, it will all be okay.

  8. Jordan,
    I have been following you for a short time now. I am married now for going on 24 years. I had many fears in getting married and even throughout the marriage. My past was not white as snow and I did not want this to haunt our marriage or hurt my beautiful wife. You say you prayed to God to have that fear taken away and it has not been. I am betting for the same reason as me…with the fear there you will always stay alert. You will always be sensitive to her needs, to her desires. You will stay aware of your past with your mom and what you know you do not want to do. You are so smart to keep yourself pure for her. The pain of not is a hard thing to overcome. My friend, use the fear and don’t try and quell it. Let it be your guide to be different than how you grew up and be the man you want to be to this future bride. 🙂

  9. I honestly feel like that’s a good place to be though. Going into any relationship you’re going to be extra sensitive to her feelings and she’ll know that you’ll always take her seriously when she has an issue. That’s basically a dream come true for a girl. I believe there’s a reason that it repeatedly reminds men to love their wives but doesn’t remind women a single time. That’s something that generally* comes easy for women.
    I’ve always been scared to mess up my future husband. But honestly we all should because that’s a huge God-given responsibility. He didn’t mean for us to take it lightly! I would venture to say that your “fear” is healthy and it’s a blessing.
    At the same time, make sure you are watching your back because you can be so overwhelmed with not hurting women, that you can get pretty bruised. Jordan, you’re a great guy and I’m personally excited for you to get married because it’s going to be beautiful! Words words words sorry 🙂

  10. Wow Jordan, that’s sorta inspiring to all men I think! My mum went through the same thing, my dad and the men that followed all used her vulnerability to get what they want. I am the oldest child so I was the one who was up late with her and saw her crying and saying she had failed, again. Luckily now she had an amazing man and coulnt be happier! But I guess I’ve got the same fear as you but flipped the other way around. I am so scared to be hurt again like my mum was and I have already been heartbroken so yeah it does hurt. But my life’s dream is to be a wife and a mother.

    It is guys like you that will put us girls fear away. God always said “do not be afraid for I am with you” (or something like that) and this can be used in this situation too!

    I guess I would say that yes all your plans are amazing and bold and glorifying Gods name. But don’t let the fear let you miss out on an amazing opportunity. It may not seem that right time but, Gods timing is perfect.

    I’m a learning something myself whilst writing (well typing) this, I sorta hope it helped you too! And remember, you are nothing like those cowards.

    • Thank you, Ellie. I’m glad that I’m not the only one with a fear like this. You are a smart girl and will overcome your fear. Thank you and God bless

  11. Firstly, I want to thank you for sharing your story with others-that takes a lot of courage and humility. I want to share something with you, just as you have shared with us. I, too, take part in the enemy’s debilitating game called fear. For me, I am allergic to milk and nuts-common food ingredients found in almost every meal. To say that I am afraid of eating dinner and, in turn, not being able to breathe is an understatement. I face this struggle every day. As I read your story, God placed a specific verse on my heart. I cannot remember the reference, but it says, “Perfect love casts out all fear. ” ALL FEAR. Fear of food allergies, fear of causing heartbreak, fear of failure-all of it, wiped away in Jesus’ presence, through His blood. Because of Jesus, we don’t have to fear food or relationships-Jesus already defeated death, and with it, debilitating fear. We don’t have to let it control us; we don’t have to listen to the undercutting lie of the enemy, telling us that God is not bigger than our fear, telling us that we cannot overcome it. We CAN overcome the lie, because we know Him who holds the Truth. In Jesus, we can have confidence of God’s strength in our weakness. In Jesus, we are free from the bondage of fear.

  12. Jordan your tweets, and blog post have been an inspiration to me to become a better person in Christ and let him take control of my life and lead me to where I’m meant to go. So thank you for saving my life! I hope to be as lucky as your future wife to get a man of god like you!

  13. well you have something the Kranda men didn’t … and that’s the holy spirit!

    you are not your bloodline… you’re not even really you, you’re a child of the king! sure you and your wife will have a fight AT LEAST once, and you will accidentally hurt her, and she might accidentally hurt you…. but it will never be one of those marriage ending type of hurts. You and your lucky (blessed) wife will have a wonderful life together, every relationship (parents,siblings,ect…) has its ups and downs, but you get through it.

    Also if you fear hurting her… then im pretty sure you won’t

  14. I Chronicles 16:34 NKJV
    Oh, give thanks to the Lord , for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.

    God’s mercy will sustain you.

    Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV
    Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    Which seems like your doing the former, so rest in the latter.

    Romans 8:28 NKJV
    And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

    The fact that it, your fear, is something your mindful of is good and will help in not letting it be who you are. But there will be times you hurt your wife, hopfully not many or in a physical manner, but in even our failure God can work it for good. Because the words of the Backstreet Boys are unrealistic “I’ll never break your heartI’ll never make you cry” hopfully the heart break is not there but it may, and there will be times you make her cry. But like I said, the fact that your aware if it, you make your wish known to God, and the preparation your putting into the future you, I think you’ll be ok friend.
    I shall pray for you bro.

  15. That was beautiful, Jordan. That took a lot of courage to write, and I’m really proud of you. My family is full of cowardly men who have hurt the women they are supposed to love, and I have a similar fear as you. I am so afraid of being hurt by a guy who says they are one thing, but after marriage, a completely different thing. l’m afraid I will marry a man who won’t step up, and will hurt me. I’m afraid I will not be enough for him, and that I will be like the women in my family and be too controlling because the man won’t step up. I’m afraid of history repeating itself. But you are already aware of what men do that hurt women, and you want to break the cycle of hurt. That’s a big first step. Whoever you marry is going to be forgiving and wonderful. You will not go down the same road as the other men in your family, because you are aware of the pain it causes, and are consciously trying to make sure that doesn’t happen. You’re a real, honorable, true man, Mr. Kranda, with a beautiful heart. Your blog is a blessing and encouragement.

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