I have read beautiful love stories and I intend to have my own great American love story, one that will rival even the works of Nicholas Sparks. I want to have a marriage that inspires people to love God more. I want to be the kind of husband who thinks of inventive ways to show his wife that he loves her with all his heart. I also want to be a father who never misses an opportunity to tell my kids that I love them to the moon and back. Those are huge dreams of mine, but I also have a fear of getting married.
I have seen my mom mistreated by many “men”. I remember being a child and seeing tears trickle down my mom’s face and realize that her pain was caused by these “men”. I remember hating these cowards. I wanted them to have nothing to do with my mom or any women, for that matter. These men could not defeat my mom, who is the definition of a fighter, but she was not left unscathed.
I learned that bruises fade away, but scars stay. Pain has a way of changing us and this is what happened to my mom. She isn’t the same mom I grew up with. Each of these cowards took a little piece of her. This is what happens with pain: we are forever changed by it. Overall, she is a better women. She has used her past to help others. She is an incredible women.
Fast forward to me and my fear of getting married.
I’ve enjoyed dating, but, at the present moment, I keep pushing off dating and I have no intention to be married anytime soon. Some of my reasons for not wanting to date are actually noble. For example, I want more time to become the man my future wife deserves and I want to finish school before meeting my future wife. These are good reasons, but not all my reasons are this good. One of my reasons is based on fear.
I’m afraid of the potential pain that comes with being in a romantic relationship. The interesting thing is that I’m not afraid of getting hurt, at least not anymore. Now, I have a different and more terrifying fear.
I’m scared that I might cause my future wife pain, similar pain that my mom has endured by alleged “men”.
I’ve seen what a guy could do to a women, the later pain, and scars that are caused by it. Simply put, I don’t trust myself.
I have encouraging signs that I’m headed in the right direction of not being a jerk though. Girls have told me that I treat them right, and friends, who are girls, tell me that I will be a great husband. My mom, for what it’s worth, has told me that I will be a great husband. I don’t write all that because I want you all to believe it or to make me sound good. They are just words. I have been humbled when I heard them, but they still remain mere words. I don’t believe them.
I am still fearful of hurting a girl like the cowards in my mom’s past.
I don’t know what to do, but I just assume that I will have to overcome it. I will have to meet my future wife, tell her that I have this fear, and allow God’s grace to fall upon our relationship. I look forward to that day, but I am, by no means, antsy for it to happen. I’m ok with more time passing. I have things I want to do and, most of all, maturing to do.
There is some girl out there, who I’m going to marry, and I just want to become everything she deserves.
I never want to hurt her in any way.
That might sound like a low goal, but my family history is full of cowardly men.
I don’t want that for my future wife.