A beauty part of dating is finding out what you like/dislike in someone you’re dating. You find out things like what you’re really attracted to and what you can’t stand in someone. Now, Christians have a unique challenge of figuring out what they want in someone they’re dating.

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For example, I’ve heard some Christians say they wouldn’t date someone who has had sex. I’ve even heard of some ending relationships because they found out their partner has had sex before. Personally, I think that’s a bit ridiculous, but I understand we’re all different.

This post is about why I, as someone who hasn’t had sex, don’t care whether the girl I’m dating has had sex and why I think you also shouldn’t care about the sexual history of the person you’re dating.

How do I get over a girl’s sexual past? Well, it’s really quite simple. I start by listing my favorite things about her. That might be things like the way she looks at the world, her intelligence, her sarcastic comments, that she’s insanely beautiful, or maybe even the way she puts up with the random and stupid things I say. Whatever it might be, I list them out. And I ask you to do the same, if you’re struggling to look past your dates sexual history.

I look at the list of my favorite things about the girl I’m dating and think to myself, “Does her sexual past change any of my favorite things about her?”.

Does her sexual past change her intelligence? Are her sarcastic comments any less entertaining since she’s had sex? I do this with everything on my list of favorite things about her.

The answer is always no.

Smiling couple having tea outdoors

Their sexual past doesn’t change any the reasons why you’re attracted to your date.

What if a favorite thing you had about them was that you thought they hadn’t had sex?

Well, If something they haven’t done is a favorite thing you have about them, then you probably should think about whether you really like them or your idea of them. You should be focusing on who they are, not what they haven’t done. I find it kinda creepy if their lack of a sexual history is a favorite thing. Sure, it might be something cool about them, but it really shouldn’t be a favorite thing.

My favorite things about a girl never include anything related to her sexual history. And yours shouldn’t either.

Maybe that helps you a bit, but you still find yourself not being able to get over their sexual past? I have some more things to help you.

You say the person you’re dating is pretty much perfect except this one little blemish, but what makes you think you’ll find all those things you find perfect about them in someone else?

What gives you the right to not forgive someone for something that Jesus has already forgiven? It’s like you’re disagreeing with Jesus when He’s forgiven them.

He says the sin done with, yet you want to bring the sin back into discussion. I wonder if you act the same way with sin you’ve been forgiven of?

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”― C.S. Lewis

To be like Christ is to forgive like Christ and not forgiving someone for their sexual past isn’t Christlike at all.

Couple holding hands in cafe

You might be reading this and think that there are times when it’s completely wise to actually avoid dating someone due to their sexual past. And I would actually agree! I once went on a couple of dates with this one girl and found out that a week before our first date she was banging some dude from our work. Needless to say, I throw up the deuces to her and moved on (aka straight towards a nearby Taco Bell).

If their sexual past is more like their sexual present, then throw up those deuces and move on.

One last thing, you might think that the fact that they’ve had sex with someone will somehow diminish the sex you’ll have on your wedding night, but it won’t. The sex they had will be different from the sex you’ll have. They have had sex, but they haven’t made love yet. They might even say they were in love, but Biblically speaking they really weren’t in love.

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthians 13:7

The Bible says true love never gives up, but they’re with you, which means they gave up on their past romantic relationships. In other words, they weren’t in love. However, if you’re truly in love with them and see past their sexual past and get married, you’ll make love on your wedding night, instead of merely having sex.

The physical intimacy you’ll experience on your wedding night will surpass anything the both of you have ever experienced.

Sex before marriage is like diet cheese, while sex in marriage is like velveeta cheese. A piece of velveeta cheese makes you forget about any past diet cheese you once had.

Sex is a beautiful thing that is meant to be enjoyable, but it’s also intended for those within he commitment of marriage. Therefore, once you have sex in the way it was intended to be enjoyed (i.e. in marriage), then you won’t be looking back to any diet cheese you once had.

Someone’s sexual past doesn’t define a person.

The forgiveness of Jesus is real. If He has already forgiven them, then you should, too.

Their sexual past doesn’t change your favorite things about them.

The diet cheese they’ve had won’t affect the velveeta cheese they’ll have with you.

Jordan Kranda
Follower of Jesus. Husband to Ariel. Master’s of Theology (Greek Track) Graduate. Future Pastor. Present lover of cheese, Blink-182, & watching sports.

23 COMMENTS

  1. I appreciate this article a lot just because of the concept of putting myself out there in relationships with the “baggage” of my sexual past. This gave me some insight on the topic and I needed it. It’s very easy for a believer who does have a sexual past to think that some woman will not want them due to their past. Again I appreciate your words and you have helped a lot.

  2. In my opinion, it really comes down to how it is “in the now” than how it was “in the past.” Every person has sinned, many Christians commit sexual sins, and I personally don’t count something of the past against a person because as someone who struggles with brushes of pornography – I’d rather not have the same done to me.

    Even the most upright people can trip (or fall off the proverbial cliff). Paul wrote that “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak” – signifying how difficult it really is to follow God despite how much we want to.

    Now, someone who shows signs of sexual temptation and past yet doesn’t care IS a red flag – but those who have stuffed it in the past and are resolved to move forward should not be struck. If someone is desperately trying, that is also a red flag.

    Basically, I agree. Just spouting my opinion…heh

  3. Very good article. I appreciate the separation between sexual past and sexual present. I think that is the key.
    I had a stage in my life where I had to turn down dating a Christian guy, because I could see within hm that purity in our relationship wouldn’t be his priority. I knew that as our relationship progressed I would lose focus on what God’s will and would give into what this guy wanted. Even though the words he said to me indicated he wasn’t going to lead to have a sexual relationship, his character showed me otherwise.
    A few years later, I started dating a guy with a huge sexual past, addicted to porn for 20 years, divorce, had many flings before and after his marriage. In all of my romantic relationships, this one valued purity the most. His salvation in the Lord was connected to having this ugly sexual sin in his past. He experienced that destruction and desired for both me and him to stay away from that destruction.
    If me and this guy decided moved forward and get married; I think I would struggle a little in being so inexperienced compared to him.But, once I got past that insecurity, I think our physical relationship would be a little extra incredible because of his journey of getting to a place where sex is done right in his life.

    • Its one of those things that, if you asked Jesus, face to face, that question.. His answer would be.. Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

  4. This is very eye opening and convicting to many of our hearts! We need to forgive those who have had sex with someone else in the past, we are ALL sinners and even though that person has had sex out of marriage, it does NOT mean we are any better if we haven’t done so. We do need to show Christ’s love to others, if we don’t forgive people like that and stop dating them because of it… we are not showing Christ’s love.. Thank you for this blog !

  5. I’m not agreeing with this. I think both partners should be virgins. I don’t think it’s right that one partner is getting something shiny and new on their wedding night and the other is getting something old and used. And like it says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God”, as a Christian you should be able to stop temptation in its path and look to God and not let your own sexual desires get in the way of you and God.

    • What if one lost his/her virginity whilst he/she was not yet a Christian? And that person becomes born again and received such a strong revelation from God he/she no longer sinned sexually.
      What ought to happen in that situation?

  6. I’m not agreeing with this. I think both partners should be virgins. I don’t think it’s right that one partner is getting something shiny and new on their wedding night and the other is getting something old and used. And like it says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God”, as a Christian you should be able to stop temptation in its path and look to God and not let your own sexual desires get in the way of you and God

    • Hey Breanna:)
      I read your comment and felt an urge to reply…
      I believe Jordan was referring to a partner who isn’t a virgin anymore because they had sex BEFORE they were a believer. You are correct in quoting that 1 Thessalonians verse. We, as believers, are called to abstain from sexual immorality, etc. But if the person we fall in love with had sinned and made a mistake and given their virginity away BEFORE they were saved, what right have we to pass judgement them? If they are repentant of their sin and disobedience, what right have we to not overlook it? As Jordan clearly stated: ‘To be like Christ is to forgive like Christ and not forgiving someone for their sexual past isn’t Christlike at all.’ And honestly, many things in this world aren’t ‘right’. I thought that was a rather crude and loose way to state your ‘dislike’ and ‘disagreement’. Your comment may hurt individuals reading it who are ashamed of their past mistakes, and are struggling with thinking that they will someday give their future spouse something ‘old and used’. I’m sure they didn’t plan it that way. But in Christ, they are forgiven. They are shiny and new. And giving themselves to their future spouse on their wedding night will be just as glorious and beautiful as it’s meant to be.

      • Well those are my beliefs and what I believe in. I don’t think they are crude and loose. And I’m not the only person who’s beliefs are like that.

    • Hey Breanna. Do you really not having sex before marriage makes you “shiny and new” on your wedding night? I haven’t had sex, but that doesn’t mean I have it all together. The Bible says that everyone is sinner (Romans 3:23), yet we’re made new by the blood of Jesus. A believer who has had sex (before or during their walk with Jesus) isn’t “old and used”. They are made new by Jesus. Do you agree that Jesus makes believers clean?

      I know people have have never had sex, yet their aren’t anybody I would want to associate with. Also, some of the most inspirational Christians I know have had sex before marriage. They either weren’t living for Jesus or they were a Christian, but sinned by making a mistake. They grew from it and are incredible men of God. They’re incredible people.

      I’d be honored if my wife was like them, even if it meant she has had sex.

  7. Jordan, the timing of this post couldn’t have been any better. I’ve always been thinking and pondering this subject, but more often recently. The Lord knew I needed it, because it helped so much. It was so reassuring of all the doubts and worries that I had. You couldn’t have said it any better.
    I thank you for everything that you do. Your a very encouraging godly man. Keep on doing what your doing. Keep serving The Lord.

    Zach

  8. Amen to this! This is really great to hear! All of your points are very valid with wonderful support and back up! Keep doing you Jordan! I absolutely LOVE reading your posts!

  9. I’d say sex in marriage ought to be like a fine, French triple-creme brie. Velveeta isn’t even real food. (But that’s another discussion that should probably come after you’ve spent a year in France.) This concerns me:

    “The Bible says true love never gives up, but they’re with you, which means they gave up on their past romantic relationships. In other words, they weren’t in love. However, if you’re truly in love with them and see past their sexual past and get married, you’ll make love on your wedding night, instead of merely having sex.”

    “In love” is not a concept that exists in the Bible. The passage you quote is Paul’s insurmountable word painting of what love actually is. What it does. How we will be when we accept Christ’s love and really love Him. This is how we will treat each other even those who don’t like us, even those who hate us. Be careful not to confuse this with being in love.

    You are incredibly wise to see that we must forgive each others sexual sins along with every other kind of sin. Do also be aware that past sexual history matters. It affects every part of a person, especially how we treat others and how we expect to be treated. Our bodies and souls were not made to couple with another and then be ripped apart. We’re made for chastity which means, as you point out, sex within marriage. So, a couple contemplating marriage must be able to talk about their individual past sexual histories. They must also pray together, work through forgiveness (and it will take time) and should probably seek counseling from a pastor who can help.

    God bless you for being willing to tackle such a thorny subject. And try triple-creme brie. (Have it baked – it’s so good.) I think you might really like it. (You can always cut off the rind.) BTW, Velveeta makes great, fast macaroni and cheese.

    • Hey Drusilla! Thanks for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment.

      I enjoyed your comment about the difference of being “in love” and loving people in the way Jesus imagined it. That’s always good to clarify what the immediate context brings to the table. It’s good to keep that in mind. Thank you.

      I still don’t believe it matters much. It’s important, since it was something that happened, which should be discussed, when the time is right, but I don’t think it defines a person. You’re right about couples seriously considering marriage must be able to be open about their individual pasts. Just because I don’t think it’s that important doesn’t mean I think it shouldn’t be discussed. Thank you for clarifying that.

      Thanks again for your comment and your words about cheese made me laugh, since I knew someone would school me on the subject of cheese. I still love me some velveeta though. haha.

      Blessings,
      Jordan

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